As I sit in my corner of my chair resting my arm on the armrest. This place has been my "new" spot lately. I don't know why.. but it's where I find myself paralyzed daily. Shut down and NOT connected to my life. Not connected to anything that is remotely what I am used to. I am just sitting here wasting time.. and having a pity party just with myself and the sleeping animals. I have reached my quota. I am tired of the bullshit my life is dishing out. I am tired of worry, stress, tears, sadness, and lack of control. I am so exhausted by feeling so strangled by it, and I want something MORE.
So how do I do it. How do I get out of this rut I am in.
I feel like I go from point a to b, then back to a again to go to c, then back to a again, then back to c, and then back to a, the back to b, and then back to a. A MILLION TIMES in one day. I have driven over 300 miles in a week and feel like I have gone NO WHERE. fast...
drop Aj to school (late)
come home (get a call from Aj - forgot something - need to return to school)
go to school
stop at target
go to FAU
return to FAU
return to school to pick up girls
return to target
All done from 8-4:30 and with all of that in and out of my car -- it was raining, and the house still needed tending to, the animals needed to be fed, laundry needed to be done, dinner made, homework handled. But it is ok. Why am I complaining right?
I am woman hear me roar.
I am angry and frustrated. People in my life make stupid choices - and this is the result. I am the one that has to deal with it. Thank you so very much for considering what your consequences for your actions would be like for me. I appreciate your consideration very much.
So in my corner of the world .. I am not partaking in "Project Life" or anything remotely gratifying because I am stuck in a car with a chauffer's cap on. Oh yeah, I am grateful for a vehicle that provides me the means of getting me to and fro.. and is great on gas mileage, I am grateful for the music in which my speakers play, I am grateful for 2.5 healthy children that sit in the seats next to me.. I just want my own life back -- one that is fun, sponatenous, joyous, loving, remarkably mine.
So I will continue to read in my corner of the world books like this...
with hope I will get insight... and clarity of all the things not so kosher in my world. I know anger and resentment will get me NO where -- but I am angry and resentful at this moment in time. I can not and will not deny myself the expression of such feelings.
Oh there is a master plan .. it's all written out for me (I am told)
GOD, I hope so. I really hope you are really there to make sense of this bs.