So far this summer I feel like I am struggling to find my connection to myself. A permission, so to speak, to myself to allow play and creativity to flow freely. Who cares if the house isn't clean, the laundry isn't done, the beds aren't made, the floors not swept or mopped. (I do.. shhh don't tell) I find that I have to have my "things to do" checked off before I even entertain the thought of playing and having fun.
I found myself yesterday just sitting.. and being still. It was a rather weepy and sad day for me and I just felt paralyzed by my own funk. I wanted so badly to play and be spontaneous .. but I wouldn't and couldn't. Even with all my things to do off my list of things to do.. I still felt stuck. I have read and re-read blogs that inspire me, and it just seems like they have that get up and go that I am lacking. It made me very frustrated and lonely. Lonely for something bigger and better than where I am sitting in my life at 41.
My timing belt and the timing belt of my children seems to need adjusting. We just can't get into sync. They are all sleeping late and staying up late... and lounging all day long. When I want to move they want to be on the computer or in front of the tv. If they want to move it's usually to go to a store to add to the massive collection of misfit toys that are left abandoned and unplayed with in their rooms. Sounds a little like my crafting area. Abandoned and dusty and unplayed with. Whenever I go there to play I just get so easily distracted. Yesterday I wanted to play with my stamps and ended up being lured into backing up my photo's which took way to long. So I didn't play with my stamps or complete my back up.
I remember a time when I had my scrapbooking stuff in my laundry room. A VERY small space, but it was USED. I found time to play and do... and it wasn't because I had nothing else to do. (Mel was 12, Cheyenne 6, and Ajda 1 and I worked out of the house) So I wonder what has shifted in me. Why is stepping out of my comfort zone so damn uncomfortable? Is it the stresses of life weighing me down? or just me getting in the way?