Life's Daily Doses

Review of the last few months

I was just glancing through my photo's on my upstairs beast of a computer. I <3 this computer REALLY. I was looking at my Gatlinburg photo's and one struck me. I have been battling with deleting this photo since I took it, but for some reason it still resides inside my hard drive.

 Basically this was Ranger DICK!! I imagine him to have the stinkiest breath on earth. I don't know he was basically an absolute dick.douche.real ass. 

Blurry I know. It was the re-invite for Ayla's gifted testing. Again, I think if I hadn't of pushed it would have gone under the radar. I got the results back today -- and she scored exceptionally HIGH -- but not gifted. They will keep a watch on her and most likely re-test her in 4th Grade. From my first impression I felt they were impressed with her scores due to her only being in 2nd Grade. 

Friends helping friends in hard times. 2009 has been tough. Rocky relationships. Self esteem road blocks. Faulty finances. Family losses. Had to bring it on STRONG

2009 also challenged the health of the little one's under the age of 17. H1N1 ran amuck in our home. Tamiflu was indeed a GOD send.

Through it all I think we weathered the storm. We still have a house over our head. Our heath is in check. We have 4 healthy kids. Food in our bellies..and love in our hearts. Good Bye 2009 - you can kiss my ass. 
   

Well January has started. I love the weather we are having. Makes me energized and refreshed... but longing to be warm and cozy and napping. Last night we had a fire in our new fire pit and it was just amazing. We didn't smell all that great afterwards, but it was worth it. Today we took the Impala out and strolled Mizner, had some Starbucks and Z Gallery fun. We then went to Deerfield Beach to showoff the car. We ended up becoming a Prop in a wedding photoshoot.. they generously asked and we graciously allowed. The groom was incredibly glowing and so proud of his new wife. They promised to send us an email with the photo's. It was sweet, refreshing.. and just nice.



I took down all the holiday decorations today. I tried to reflect and embrace the "joy" of the holiday's. I tend to get sad when I know it is coming to an end. I like the twinkle of that lights and all my ornaments. So when the tree is down the corner looks so bare. I opened up my window and allowed the fresh air to come through (thank you cold front) and listened to my fountain and found an ok space in my heart to complete my task. Yes, the corner is bare... I will be ok.



Here is a photo of my 87 year old Grandma aka Nanaw.. She is my angel.

Scrapbooking.. A Lost Art In My Life.

I remember a time when this is all I would think about. Scrapbooking...  Ah the tender joys of cutting up photos and gluing them to a beautiful piece of paper. Ah, the tender moments when there was "joy" in looking at those photos. Ah, the tender moments when woman of all walks of life would gather together for a few hours gooing and awing over those photo's. Ah, the tender moments of browsing the aisles at the scrapbook store for hours. Such joy. Such Joy. Ah, the tender moments of relentless organizing the purchases. The good times. Good times.

I am unclear as to why this hobby has left my life. Uncertain as to why it exhausts me verses charges me. I do know that when I look back the good times are there, but always tainted with heavy drama. Broken it makes my heart feel. Unsure as to how to fix it. I miss my joy. I miss my lost art.

 

Forgot to Mention .. 40 is ok.

I digress. I talked of the aftermath of the holidays and forgot to mention that I survived my 40th Birthday. I had a wonderfully simple night with my family. A little bit of Chinese food, wine, cake, presents and rock band. Nice.

Download Movie on 2009-12-22 at 21.32

Aftermath...

I have been such a lamo blogger. Too much in too many directions. Just can't even put thoughts together that would be interesting to read or make sense. I also believe since the entire world is on Facebook, blogging seems so involved and more detailed. I like the instant gratification of Facebook verses wondering if my blog post is ever read. 

Christmas is officially over. Weird to me. Just weird. I don't know what to really think about it. I just feel like there is so much "hoopla" prior and during and the aftermath has ..   a silent confusions that can't really be explained. Don't get me wrong we had a good time this holiday..  good people and good food. Maybe its just the difference between having to recreate magic for little ones verses trying to get the big ones to still believe in magic. My kids were good this year, I felt a calmer more peaceful atmosphere while opening gifts. The greed and hurry was a little less noticable which is always nice. I also think that I am just tired. I am too tired to nap and too tired to do anything. I also feel my house is cluttered and chaotic so I just want to clean and organize. With that statement said -- that is pointless when you have a ton of kids in and out all day long.

Well my house is silent. I think I might try to close my eyes for a minute. Wish me luck.

 

To Wrap or NOT to Wrap... I am Procrastinating

That is really what I should be doing. I have a ton of presents to make pretty.. and I am instead hoarding them in all my secret hiding places. I have hidden a mass amount of gifts throughout my house. I sure hope my memory serves me well and I actually remember all these treasure.

Every year I battle with "over" doing things. I love the act of gift giving..  It makes me incredibly happy to guess that just right gift. The anticipation of waiting to give it, and the excitement of watching the faces. This year is different, everyone knows the "economic" dilema we are currently holding.. and with that it's hard to contain that gift giving nature in me. I am always the one that over does it at the end, not sure if I have gotten enough for Ajda and Ayla..  then I remember Selin. Yesterday I text messaged Hunter and asked if there was a wish he had on his list..  and he responded with "your unconditional love and support"...  save your money. How incredibly sweet. Sure wish I could allow my brain to wrap around that concept. Maybe its my past haunting me.. I remember all my childhood Christmas's were always filled with whatever my heart desired and we were pretty damn poor. Never really understood how and where my parents managed to get the funds to pull it off, but every year they did. Later I found out that my mom pawned her wedding ring in order to pay for Christmas. Amazing for sure.

 

Living A Life That Matters

This was given to me after yoga class the other day. I do not know who the author is -- I just like what it says.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no days, no hours or minutes.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will all expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived. 

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brillant. Your gender, skin color, and ethnicity will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?....  

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, and sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories of those who loved you. 

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. 

It's not a matter of circumstance but a  choice. 

Choose to live a life that matters.

 

Sisters in the house

4oth Birthday Head Space...

With the approaching holiday's I have been comparing and contrasting life now in 2009  to life 10-20 years ago. I am finding that it's vastly different and I am desperately seeking to find a way to rewind and return to a time when I use to know something. I am also puzzled by the fact that back then when I was 10-20 years younger I felt I didn't know anything. I am appoaching my 40th year on this plane,t and for a change I want to REALLY get it right. I want to knock down the walls that I voluntarily built to protect my feelings. I want to drop my "expectation" of what I think people need to be and be JUST what I want to be. I am truly only in control of myself and I am doing nothing but wasting my time and energy trying to create unrealistic expectations in others. The other day I was questioned about what brings me JOY, and I was set back at the lack of knowing the answer. What brings me joy NOW at this current time in my life. I haven't a clue. I might have an idea of what brings me joy, but does it really? and why am I afraid to grasp onto the concept that it might bring me joy. So yes, my headspace has been muddled and full of fear.. when I was younger I wasn't afraid even when I should have been. I invested my whole self into anything that was put before me.

• job
• moving out on my own
• relationships
• every day adventures
• traveling abroad
• meeting people
• moving to another state
• becoming a step parent
• raising someone elses child full time
• having my own children

I should have been scared, but I wasn't. I just did it. So why have I let life wear me down and make me think I am incapable? Why do I feel as if my headspace is screaming --- WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING. I have been asking and pleading to have some kind of enlightenment here. I just want to be blessed with it and RUN...  Yeah I feel like I want to be Forest Gump and just run, grow a beard and just run....  

On a more uplifting and gratitude filled thought I am grateful for the following today:

• my ability to walk
• my ability to see
• my ability to hear
• my children
• my ability to speed in all the right places and get my kids to school on time
• Ayla's thumbs up for today's schooling
• Mr. Breslaw commenting on Ayla's writing and how good it is
• Ajda's teacher Michelle -- she cares
• my full refrigerator and freezer and pantry
• the Le Creuset cookware that is embracing my spagetti sauce as I type
• my friends
• my superfood complete supplement that I had today
• my lunch of hummus and crackers
• the beautiful weather
• my blog
• all the blogs I read
• my inbox
• my washer and dryer
• my cleaning ladies..  FOR REAL
• my tivo -- so I can watch all my talk show stuff
• DEXTER
• my husbands ability to keep on trucking even when he wants to quit
• my dog and his cuteness
• my cat and his skinniness
• my bird for always saying I am "hot" (he whistles at me)
• mascara -- put it on for the first time in MONTHS
• my laptop
• my bank account it always finds ways to be prosperous.

peace out -- look for me running! it might happen sooner than anyone expects it to.  :-)

  

Never thought I would say that I miss exercising, but I miss my morning walk. It's simple consisting of 40 minutes, ipod.. and me and my feet pounding the pavement. I miss my head space when I am there. Tomorrow I will return.