Life's Daily Doses

I would be lying.. if

I said I wasn't struggling..  I am really at a point in my life where there have been some trials and tribulations to personal to write about that have weighed heavy on my heart.

I am heavy, but I am fine. I am sad, but I am fine. I am being challenged and I know that I will and am taken care of, but it doesn't disregard where I am at this moment.  I am standing strong in my current life and I am trying to find the right tools in my box to make it work and come out positive..  

I do worry..  A lot.

I am trying very hard to realize that some things are better left NOT figured out. That I may never find the reason or the answers, and that is okay. Day to day is all I am dealing with. I pray that words said and actions taken will be received with an open heart. 

I pray for strength and courage to continue walking my walk...  

 

and one day soon this cloud of "whatever" will lift and the sun will warm us again.  

I know it sounds dramatic, but I am in it rather knee deep and it sucks. 

 

 

 

Standing Tall.. in my morning space.

I sometimes, more often than I care to admit, forget to stand tall in my daily life. I allow the throws of life to beat me down and wore me out. The negative space seems to suck me in like a vacuum and I find that I shrink and turn myself off. I allow the worry and the questions of correct parenting consume me, and it feels like I am not moving. I am not learning anything new and I am not growing as an individual. My corner of the world has been patchy for several years, but this new season needs to move on. I want it over with. So, as I sit and occupy this part of who I am it makes me wonder how long have I been off?

I feel as if I am NOT occupying me and what I want to do. But when I really think about it.. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what makes me really "ON" any more. I start with something thinking it to be the ideal option and that it will feed me, but shortly realize that either it is and not enough or it isn't at ALL.  I do know walking in this space below always grounds me and gives me perspective. My morning space has always been reliable for JUST THIS.

 

standing tall..  
finding treasures..  (another post will follow this one)

finding a bit of joy.. and smiling about it. Love the sound of seagulls and hearing the waves crashing.

Just the calmness..  

Amazing Kids

I stumbled upon this while catching up on my tweets (thanks TeamTandy). I am blown away by these two boys. 

 

Feeling Kind of Blue Today?

A Warm Embrace - Our Deepest Fear from R Smittenaar on Vimeo.

I miss you .. DAD

Anniversary's of death, do we call it an anniversary? How about a remembarance of a passing. January 5 is the day we put my father to rest. I would note the year but for some reason my brain doesn't want to compute. I don't want to remember how old I was when I lost him. I don't want to recall the beginning of a year that well started tragic and lasted what seemed like forever.

I wrote about it here last year. I am thinking about him so much today. Missing him. I miss him on a daily basis. Something about this date though just sits there and keeps pressing my heart. A date that changed the course of my life and myself FOREVER.

The little girl in me remembers, but the grown woman in me is missing you

and longing to have a simple conversation.

I love you dad!

I miss you Dad!

I forgot to mention .. I had a birthday

Not many pictures were taken on this beloved day of turning 42.  I find it funny that we all own the most incredible camera's and iPhone's and no one snaps away. Thank god the HTC was present and attempting. I have to say I love my 40's way better than my 30's, there is just a knowing that comes along with age. A shedding of  the worry and concern for what other people think. At this age I really find that I like who I am and how I think about life. I am still growing every day and I welcome that growth. 

So here is 42..  out of focus but fine.

 

 

One Little Word (OLW)

I have tried for the last 3 years to come acrossed a word for me to work with for the upcoming year. I like Ali's idea because I think there is importance in being mindful. OLW seems to be more obtainable than grandious New Years Resolutions. So this year hasn't been any different..  I have been thinking of words. What would I love to work on and why on earth have I forgotten the English language. I mean the vocabulary reserves are plentiful, but for some reason words fail to appear in my mind. So I thought..  maybe my word should be MINDFUL.  Days passed and I tossed this word up and down, backwards and forwards, inside out and rightside up..  wasn't fitting. Yeah who wouldn't want to work on being MINDFUL, but I wanted something more. I have been practicing the art of going to sleep without the disturbance of a television, and I have to say that quiet space allows for thoughts to bounce softly in my mind. So I thought and released my want for a word to appear. This morning as I sat down to drink my cup of coffee and be entertained by the mass media of the internet, I stumbled upon Tony Robbin's tweet and clicked. There it was ~~ my word. Just like that.. over and over again. (turn off my music player on the side)

My OLW for 2012 is OCCUPY

oc·cu·py/ˈäkyəˌpī/

Verb:

Reside or have one's place of business in (a building). Fill or take up (a space or time).

glitz and glamour

I am late posting my Christmas photo's. I guess I got lost along the way. Christmas was nice. Christmas was low keyed..  Christmas felt a bit different this year and I haven't  yet to put my finger on why. I think its because the little kids are getting bigger. I feel as if the "magic" behind the mystery of Santa is fading. I don't want the magic to fade.

Warm sunny skies..  {whopping 80+}

A tree full of goodies...

A kitty assistant...

An explosion ...

A birthday...  All in one day!

Merry Christmas.. The BEST gift EVER

What a way to end the 2011 year. My grandma's recovery has been a blessing to our family. Her strength and perseverance have been remarkable. She is one determined chick with lots of life left.

She turned 89 on December 19..  and has underwent open heart surgery and colon surgery all since September..  WOW 

She is the best GIFT Ever...  

I am so thankful for her still being here ...  guiding and shining light upon all of us. Near and far.

 

 

Fragile We Are...

This song comforted me when I needed it the most. It hugged me when I needed a friend, it accompanied and occupied an empty space when I was lonely, this song got me through many days after my dad tragically died. Even to this day when I hear this song it calms me, settles my racing heart, and just makes me feel good, reassures me that I will be fine. I don't know if its just Sting's beautiful guitar or his voice in this song that makes me feel this way..  

 

                            

"Fragile"

If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are
How fragile we are how fragile we are